guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
