Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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