My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
