Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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