Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
