true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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