I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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