my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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