i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
