I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
