Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
