I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
