thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
