we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
