I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
