just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.