i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
23 Struggles Kids These Days Will Never Know
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......