I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
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I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
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No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.