My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
