Where did you get a picture of my penis
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
