And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
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