my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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