i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
