I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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