I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
