I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
