We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
