oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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