So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
