She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Randomize
