Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Randomize
