God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Randomize
