Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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