So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
