Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Houston, we have a squirter
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
