I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.