Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.