My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
