Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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