could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
