You smell like a Billy Joel song
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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