her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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