I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
