it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
