I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Randomize
