Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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