My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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