i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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