when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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