we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
the raccoons are back...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
