Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
