You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
