We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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