wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
