Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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