You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
