how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
