so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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