Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
So much rum. So many feels.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
