dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
