I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Jerry, you need to find god
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
