I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
